Fred Delicious asked his followers for their all-time favorite tweet which resulted in a thread that’s packed with just the best of the best. Grab a drink, popcorn and a shitload of tissues: we collected some of the ultimate gems.
1. The epic thread starts out with just one simple request.
Reply to this with your all-time favourite tweet
— Fred Delicious (@Fred_Delicious) May 3, 2018
2. Shortly, the tap started flowing.
My son 🙋🏽♂️was SO cute today, he asked me "dad are clouds candy?" 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked "dad, what's Earth's defense system?" and then I remembered I don't have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black "what is the defense system father"
— Omar Najam➡️🇵🇷⬅️ (@OmarNajam) November 28, 2017
3. That escalated quickly.
We're a modest company with modest goals:
1: sell a quality product at a fair price
2: drain the world's oceans so we can find and kill god
— Steve D (@Stev_D) October 21, 2014
4. This one sure has some, well…
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
— brandAn Current Year (@LeBearGirdle) August 17, 2017
5. Run, Dave, run.
I'm trying to find the president of the Tom Hanks fan club. He's like yay Big.
— Dave Shumka (@daveshumka) December 7, 2015
6. Some tweets are really the würst.
So weird that hot dogs come in packs of ten but my butthole can only fit eight so far
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 19, 2012
7. Other tweets are wrong on so many levels.
doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it
me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made
— yabkat (@ohen39) October 20, 2017
8. Rumors are the band kept playing.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) April 14, 2012
9. So unfair.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
— Deirdre (@figgled) July 18, 2017
10. Did you know Wiz Khalifa studied meteorology?
Cloudy with a chance of my balls in ur mouth
— Wiz Khalifa (@wizkhalifa) November 10, 2013
11. Dan had a near mistress.
[introducing girlfriend to my family]
me: this is my girlfriend janine
wife: what the fuck
— dan mentos (@DanMentos) August 11, 2016
12. Huh. Weird.
My "Not involved in human trafficking" T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
— Mike Ginn (@shutupmikeginn) November 21, 2013
13. It took some time for Jon to even trust his dentist after this.
ME [suspicious my therapist's a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
— Jon (@ArfMeasures) February 9, 2016
14. Funerals are popular subjects.
Me: *slapping my older brother in the face with his own hand* haha stop hitting yourself, why are you hitting yourself
Sister-in-law: *crying* is this why you wanted an open casket
— Not Sara (@smithsara79) December 11, 2017
15. Really popular.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* "we will…we will..miss you"
— brent (@murrman5) July 12, 2015
The inventor of the anagram has died.
May he erect a penis.
— Amanda (@Pandamoanimum) September 9, 2014
17. This epic tweet was copied lots of times, but here is the original.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
"Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye."
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) June 1, 2014
18. David is even twinning twice.
[at the mall]
"Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?"
[leans in to mic]
"Goodbye you little shit."
— David Hughes (@david8hughes) May 9, 2014
19. Nathan sure nailed it.
Me: I know you from somewhere
Jesus: I get that a lot
Me: no I'm sure
Jesus: just one of those faces
Me: [holding arms out] go like this
— Nathan Usher (@thenatewolf) October 26, 2015
20. You had me at high.
cop: are you high?
me: hello, am i what?
— cory (@_coryrichardson) March 3, 2018
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