Being a parent is the most important job you’ll ever have – if you decide to have kids, obviously. Thanks to the internet, you can learn from people who know how to raise their kids right, but also from those who are doing, well, not as good a job…
1. Sometimes you drop your guard and something just slips out…
Somehow just forgot my kids are 2 & 4 years old – entered room and absent-mindedly greeted them with a cheery "hey, fuckfaces!"
— Charlie Brooker (@charltonbrooker) December 23, 2016
2. Just because they’re twins, doesn’t mean they’re exactly the same.
I'm constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
— Danny Zuker (@DannyZuker) September 14, 2011
3. Kids ask the most interesting questions.
The toddler: *puts her arms around my neck, gently touches my face*
Me: I love you, little bear.
Toddler: …You have bones inside of you. Take your skin off so I can see your bones?
— Amber Sparks (@ambernoelle) January 26, 2018
4. Sometimes you just get busy and forget stuff, you know.
Nothing better than the simple joys of finding 5 bucks in an old pair of pants, or discovering my wife and I had a second daughter over a year ago.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) January 24, 2018
5. Playing in the snow together can be such fun.
me as a parent pic.twitter.com/gpZ6QghQqW
— Black People Tweets (@ghetto) February 12, 2018
6. It’s okay to be honest about your kids.
Me as a parent. pic.twitter.com/FMh4SJOudU
— Denizcan James (@MrFilmkritik) February 11, 2018
7. Who needs DNA tests anyway?
Finally took a paternity test: my son watched "Blade Runner" for the first time and loved it. He's my kid.
— Michael Ian Black (@michaelianblack) February 11, 2018
8. Raise your kids so that they love themselves.
how i want my future daughter to be pic.twitter.com/WBGnOOligI
— soft grunge (@blankedthoughts) February 12, 2018
9. Please don’t feel like you have to correct every mistake they make.
9yo just called Reese Witherspoon,
“Reese With-her-spoons,” and I will never correct her.
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) January 19, 2018
10. Try not to steal all your kids’ treats.
Honest ass question to all parents. When y’all open your kids Capri suns do y’all take a sip? My sips be so much I have to go get my daughter a new one cause my thirsty ass drunk the 1st one 🤦🏾♂️🤣
— TAE TUCK (@TRGTae) February 12, 2018
11. Know your place.
BEING A PARENT
Me: "I've signed up to Instagram so I can follow you."
Daughter, 13: "I saw that and I've blocked you."
SIX MONTHS LATER
"Dad, can you do a tweet about my Instagram sketches so people can have a look? By the way, you're still blocked."https://t.co/KIZAa36EB7
— Jeremy Vine (@theJeremyVine) February 12, 2018
12. It’s truly a miracle of life.
This baby is sucking the life from me. Drinking my water, making me dry. Eating my food, making me hungry. Taking my health, making me sick. Why do we create these monsters they want us dead
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) February 3, 2018
13. Please know when to stop annoying people with this.
"He's 24 months old"
Your child is 2.
— Curtis Lepore (@curtislepore) February 19, 2015
14. Its’ understandable that you’ve had enough sometimes.
My kids tried to surprise me for my birthday this morning. I totally heard them coming and snuck out to start a new life somewhere else.
— Ryan Reynolds (@VancityReynolds) October 23, 2017
15. IT’S A LOT OF SCREAMING.
I’ve come to the conclusion that parenting is 90% Screaming at your kids to stop screaming at each other
— Jason Hawes (@Jchawes) February 11, 2018
16. …just in case.
3-year-old: *offers me a teddy bear*
Me: That's okay. I don't need him.
3: He eats the shadow people.
Me: *takes the teddy bear*
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 16, 2017
17. The plots of their favorite books can be puzzling.
My 1-year-old insisted that I read her this book.
It's going to be a long morning. pic.twitter.com/uXpGJLnAT2
— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 4, 2017
18. You have to tell your kids hard truths sometimes.
7yr old "Do women get their periods on weekends too?"
7yr old mutters to herself "Jesus Christ"
— kelly oxford (@kellyoxford) November 20, 2015
19. Kids can be VERY judgmental.
Violet: I think that florist has a crush on you, Mummy.
Me: Cause he brings me flowers? That’s his job.
Violet: Well his job seems pretty unprofessional.
— Katherine Ryan (@Kathbum) February 5, 2018
20. Don’t let them get to your snacks.
Can the lady-friendly chips concept be converted to parent-friendly chips, so my daughter can't hear me crunching from the next room then come running to find me?
— La Guardia Cross (@LaGuardiaCross) February 12, 2018
21. That moment of pride when you hear how your kid is doing in school…
I had to sign a form at my son's school yesterday acknowledging that I understood he'd hit himself in the head with a pan.
— rob delaney (@robdelaney) February 13, 2016
Whatever you do, just make sure you raise your kids with good manners…
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